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Dwelling

by Oxford

/
1.
I'm trying to find out what home means
2.
I left my purple flannel back in New York and I hope to God it'll keep you warm 'cause you know it's getting cold again. I'm not sure if it's worth counting days 'til the last thing I see at night isn't your face. I really thought I'd have moved on by now. I kept my nose to the grindstone and focused on my own shit. I know I'm better than this. I lost my head in the clouds, but I know that you're not coming back now. Autumn nights are the coldest when you're alone in New England. I think I'm shivering a little bit less if that's measurable. Well it's all for the best. I keep this close to my chest, but I fear I'll regress to that tired old habit of thinking I'm better off dead.
3.
Bet you're not thinking of me like I'm fixated on you. Sweating you out of my pores: the residual gloom. Bet it's not cold in New York like it is back in CT, and what makes your heart ache, well I'm sure it's not me missing you stealing my body heat. Bet you're spending your time with some purpose in mind. You're not banging your head on the wall like mine. Bet you're not glued to your phone. Think you let it die sometimes. With the way you taught me, I can't do the same with mine. Some nights I lie in bed and think of what I should have said and I know I'm always late. Everything in its place and every place with a time. You found your stopping point so when will I find mine. So I'll drink to get drunk and I won't call you tonight. I hope you won't find out about the way I kill time. Bet you're not thinking of me. I'm dying for you to. While you're out with your friends, I'll stumble back to my room. Pull the blankets up high - know you hated that - still feel real guilty so I'll pull the sheets back. And then I'll lie in bed and think of what I should have said when you said that you want to move out.
4.
I've been coughing my lungs up finding ways to get more cigarette smoke in my life until I feel fine. Wake up shaking from nightmares where we kiss in the end and my heart breaks every time 'cause we don't talk anymore. I've been digging my grave and hanging my coat at home; angry at the silhouettes. I've been trying to find ways to feel a little less alone; throwing bottles at happiness. You've been afraid of ghosts, but where does that leave me. I'll haunt these halls but you're safe and sound for now. I'll keep the cold in my back pocket for when I say "We could have had everything." I keep thinking of that night your freshman year when we told all of our friends we knew that ghosts were real. And the creaking in my halls almost every night: I know 'cause I am one. Sentimental but still antiquated: I'm starting to think that we should never have dated. I know, I know.
5.
My heart keeps racing as I drive down 84 closer to you house. My stomach crawls up through my mouth again. My chest keeps aching when I get close to you. We used to be best friends but now "used" is where our sentence ends. Guess I'm not the only one who's not comfortable. I could feel it in the air whenever we'd get close. I'm not sure how we forgot how to be friends: strangled out slow by my own stubborn feelings and I can't trust you to be my home. You found a new boy that you like better, so why do you still wear my sweatshirt? Is he the one who told you not to talk to me? When I asked if you were coming up to see Mom Jeans, you acted like I made your skin crawl. Now every boy I've kissed is dead, but you're just dead to me. I swore I would be happy if you were, but now I see that you're just the worst. I'll promise myself that this next song won't be about you.
6.
Maybe it's time to text someone first 'cause I'm getting tired of waiting on something to do. I'm not sure why I don't talk to my friends from college. It's not like I don't think of them daily. It's not like I'm here holding a grudge but I've been afraid of mincing my words and coming up short. I keep coming up short. With what little I have to say, I'll hold my breath 'til it's far too late.
7.
I've asked why a hundred times and I've found out that it's always been my fault: A one track mind, always behind. Don't answer back because I Knew the whole time. If this winter doesn't kill me I'll be on my last life. And though I've bragged about my balance, I know I'll fall this time. Don't pick me up. I'm not even kind of close to worth it. I've seen a few nights on the floor and I know I can do at least one more: alone but not afraid. Tired is in my blood, but I know I'll get back up. I'm worked down to the bone and in bed by ten alone. Someday soon this all might change but it won't matter in the first place. Still fall for boys that pick my mind. Fall in love nearly all the time. Though it's not easy on my heart, I need to get up and it's a start.
8.
Sarah dresses up as drag queens and Katie's still making art. Sean's playing in a band now and Adam's fell apart. Erica called off her wedding and Alexei moved back home. Kieth's got himself a boyfriend now and I'm here all alone but not for long. I'll see you guys around in about half a year and we'll catch up over a couple of beers and it won't be like time had passed, and it won't feel like we'd ever left home.
9.
Subconsciously I think I let Cam influence the way I cut my hair. I grew it out for two years to cut ties with the past. It's a metaphor that resonates. I'm carrying so much less weight. The baggage I've been building up, well I've left it all behind. We've been talking for a month or so and I'm sorry if I start latching on. I know it's hard to tell but you make me feel nervous as hell. Maybe I'm too linear. I was born with the curse of a one track mind: stay focused or fall behind. You might be a lot of things to me, hope that's okay. I guess I'm still fragile: afraid I might crumble when seated on such unsteady ground. Everyone I love is dead and that means I don't love you yet, but I'm not sure how long I can hold that off. We'll meet up next weekend. You'll be my next model. I've given up sleeping to drown in this bottle. I used to dream so big, but now they're caving in. This canvas will stay blank, bur maybe that's for the best. I'm sorry that I'm so quiet you felt guilty. I meant it when I said I had a blast.
10.
Maybe I've always known what home is and maybe I'm just scared to leave 'cause I'll forget what it felt like in time. I'll need to pry myself away and build a place for myself to stay 'cause I know it's worth it. Maybe I'm meant to feel dejected. Perhaps that's what keeps the fire lit in me. I just wish I could stay open all the time.

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A diary for a period where I felt a distinct lack of home to work out issues that I tended to let linger

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released April 12, 2018

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Oxford Hartford, Connecticut

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