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1. |
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Staring at my shoes how they’ve withered
Without noticing they’ve got new personalities
Staring at my shoes soaked and battered
I’ve made this new religion of keeping my head down
So far it’s working
Counting steps and cracks and trying not to trip
I guess I’m kind of clumsy
I’ve got this way
Of saying I’m okay
When I mean to say help me
I’ve got this way
Of waking up to early
And still wasting my whole day in bed
Sheets pulled over my head
And even the tiniest motions break my bones
They’re brittle like the trees by my childhood bedroom
And I counted the days till they couldn’t hold their weight
And it’s so satisfying to see the inevitable happen
And it’s a relief when I come out alive
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2. |
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I sent you a letter
It said I’m here whenever
You didn’t take me up on it
I’m over it
You live to fast any ways
For me to calculate
And decide how to best be
Passively persistant
But even though we’re miles away
I can see we’re basically the same
We’re built of nosebleeds and headaches
A disappointing resolve
And even though our eyes are so glazed over we’re still alive
And even though our minds are fragile we both manage to survive
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3. |
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I found your outline stitched into my mattress
And I was terrified to sleep
Would your ghost start hopping trains?
Or would it swallow me whole
The rain falls soft on leaking roofs
Decrepit homes, last summer’s lawn care
Building blanket substitutes
Because it’s warmer when the bed’s full
The tree in Paul’s front yard
Is creaking from the cold
Like it falls apart
Whenever it misses April
Because of this distance
I feel pointless
Because of this winter air
I surrender
Why can’t I be the books under your bed
I’d be carried around in suitcases
And ignored
I’d be left here to rot
Behind closed doors
But I’d be sentimental
And I’d be with you
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4. |
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Tonight it’s just a patch of black ice
A late night run/losing my friends from high school
Fuck I’m losing my grip on reality
Preferring memories to conversations
You
You’re wasting all your time
On four years that you hated
Now I can hardly breathe
Without remembering the Marlboros and colder nights
Treating coughs and best friends
Gossiping on the golf course
You
You’re wasting all your time
On old crushes and cigarettes
Bash my head into the wall repeatedly
Trying to shake out who I used to be
I’m
Still wasting too much time
On the steps behind the lunchroom
Trying to hold on to
The reasons that I grew up
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5. |
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Why is smoke still white at night?
October skies the reason I’ll survive the winter
Full of wood smoked autumn air
My lungs are fit to burst but still I’m greedy
We’d ride our bikes down pleasant street
We’d spend our nights underneath the trees
The falling leaves cake our memories
A secret holiday left unspoiled
And when I fall asleep with my windows open
People passing by possess me/turning/hopeful double takes
For purer air on brace road
For a memory less tainted
For autumn nights and wool coats
For a childhood fit for polaroids
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6. |
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Collegiate air
How you make oh so fucking scared
And everywhere is a new chance
And every look is a first glance
At a life that will leave me petrified
At a few things I’ll have to leave behind
At a life that will leave me out to die
And be dined on
Collegiate air
You caught me when I was unaware
Of the few responsibilities
That I’d have to learn and take with me
Moving out and finding a new home
When to be out and when to be alone
Leaving state-line smirks behind me
If I can trust my memory
Growing up is
Overrated
I don’t know how to start
To move on from this mess
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7. |
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I’m building a barricade
To keep all my friends away
And I’m armed with self-doubt In spades
I’m built of self-loathing
And I can’t stand my salty eyes
My hands shaking all the time
I’m fed up
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8. |
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Tension is calling me heartless
Hopelessly hollow and falling apart
Collapse on my mattress just one more night
Comfort food wrappers line my bedside
I am falling apart for the last time this month
I promised myself I’d get up and go on
I’ve been faking this shitty grin for a while now
Muscle memory’s greatest fucking achievement
Becoming content with the idea of slipping up
But never quite with the frequency
Chewing ice cubes to dull my teeth
My tongue will thank me
I am falling apart for the last time this month
I promised myself I’d get up and go on
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9. |
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Why’s the cold such an obstacle?
When it’s defined as absence
Why is darkness so goddamn terrifying?
If our eyes are flawed
It’s 4pm and the sun’s long gone
I’m not tired
It’s 5pm and I’m shaking to keep warm
I’m freezing
Now
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10. |
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I opened my yearbook to try to remember
But it’s striking to see that the faces, they belonged to strangers
Even the one that said my name was a ghost of who I am today
Barely breathing repeating the same sour key
I am
Finding out who I can be
Needing
My memories to fall asleep
I am
Finding out who I can be
Lately
That’s nothing
I’m still stuck in my hometown
It’s hard to make a clean break with all of these ghosts around
Even the ones that made my days are nothing that I can recall
The memory of fucking up is all
I am
Finding out who I can be
Needing
My memories to fall asleep
I am
Finding out who I can be
Lately
That’s nothing
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11. |
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How I want to drink myself into heaven
I get close with every glass
Some mistakes just can’t be rewritten
Or I’m too tired to try
(Lying in bed for the fourth fucking day in a row)
I’ve said some things that I regret
I’ve smoked a thousand cigarettes
Moderation what the hell is that
I’m a cliché and you can too
I’ve followed dozens of pointless rules
Made them up and let them let me down
But some days I still believe
With my heart on my sleeve
That I’m invincible
But I know I’m trying my luck
I’ve realized
Moving is always moving on
But some days I feel better
I’m making strides
I still remember who I was back in high school
And he still makes me sick
Some mistakes just can’t be rewritten
But I can build on them
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12. |
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Hands why are you shaking tonight
I’m so nervous that I can’t change
Mud caked boots from being stuck in my ways
A glance leading down and to the left betrays
Half-hearted smile lines
But I am nothing without
The ways your eyes betray me
Strip me naked
Leave me craving more
Wherever you go
I’ll be there with you
Because you stole my heart
So I’ll always have a home
With you
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